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Softball: Guild Hits ‘Em Where They Ain’t, Tops Apple 13-6

 

by Timothy Cooper

I don’t have much time to sum this one up, for the same reason that this report is late in coming—I’ve been fielding too many calls from the press, MLB recruiters, and a few admiring, disturbingly eager fans after our stunning win on Monday.

The remainder of my voicemailbox, interestingly, is filled up with angry calls from Justin Long (the “I’m a Mac” guy from those ads). Weirdly, he wasn’t all that angry about our brutal dismantling of Apple; rather, he was just wondering why people still only recognize him as “the ‘I’m a Mac’ guy from those ads.”

Here are the highlights (mostly not counting the first inning, which we’ll ignore):

  • Their pitcher had some issues in the first and second; combined with our solid batting, this brought us to a quick 9-3 lead. (Note that we were not just standing there like chumps, as did a certain team last week; these balls were genuinely too far outside the box to hit.)
  • Zayd somehow got on Ump Mike’s good side again, and pitched commandingly.
  • Marni stopped a potentially dangerous ball with a body part that won’t be appearing in Brave, or any other Pixar movie, anytime soon.
  • Tina, at catcher, caught that foul tip like it was no thang.
  • Shannon couldn’t stop scoring. She came home a total of at least four times, two of them running for Jo, who was hobbling more than a horse on the set of Luck (too soon?).
  • Dave K. slipped and slid around on a field that was harder to get a grip on than Romney’s viewpoint on [insert any issue here].
  • Zayd had a “hand of god” moment, inadvertently (depending on whom you ask) helping Apple’s runner get hit by his own teammate’s ball en route to second base.
  • Jo snagged possibly every out from third base in the sixth inning.
  • At one point, we got 8 unanswered runs in a row.
  • Dave placed it perfectly in left on a monster hit.
  • There was solid fielding by Jake, Stu, Julie, Zach, and Sam
  • Zayd almost ran over Shannon on his way home, which made us wonder whether it’s legal to carry the person running in front of you to the base.
  • There were huge numbers of RBIs from Jo, Marni, Dave, Parney, me, and probably also others I’ve forgotten, so sue me, the ink got smudged from the rain.
  • It ended up being 13-6, narrowly missing the mercy rule, which is applied when one team is leading by 14.666 (or something; who knows what the number is this year?).

Our next game is against ABC. It’s hard to know what the aforementioned press is wondering more: Will we beat ABC like we did the first time we played them? OR: Will our shirts finally arrive? Only time, and Ump Mike’s mood, and the U.S. Postal Service, will tell.

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