When I pitch studio execs whose egos are inverse proportion to what they contribute to society, I try not to imagine them naked. (It would be more upsetting if I found myself attracted to them.) That said, I do wonder what it’s like to have everyone and your mother incessantly pitch you. What is the most absurd pitch? I imagine it goes something like this, and it’s probably already been being made……
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Dear Mr. Rudin,
Congratulations on FISTULA: THE MUSICAL! It was so generous of you to fly that Sudanese woman in for the Broadway premiere. (Though crass of her lawyer to ask you to pay for tailoring her kaftan to fit a colostomy bag.)
So I wanted to follow up about WOMB BOY! My 3-D animated thrillerdy about a dude trapped in his mom’s womb. It’s a cross between THE CURIOUS CASE of BENJAMIN BUTTON and the real life story of Terry Schiavo.
When we meet WOMB BOY, he’s an All-American every dude, who happens to have never left his mother’s womb. (His mother just thought she was, like most Americans, obese). At first, WOMB BOY makes do. He enjoys free rent and meals, leeches off his mom’s wireless, and works out on the zip line, aka the umbilical chord. That is, until his mother decides to get her tummy tucked.
Enter the evil Dr. Heimlich, who sucks out her innards, including Womb Boy’s main source of protein: placenta. It’s during this invasive surgery that Womb Boy overhears Dr. Heimlich reveal how he then sells placenta on the black market to hair care companies. Womb Boy isn’t okay with Dr. Heimlich robbing innocent women and children of their prized placentas. But in salvaging his mother’s placenta, Womb Boy must cut the umbilical chord and come out of the womb. It’s not an easy journey, even for a super hero.
Anyway, I sent WOMB BOY to your assistant’s assistant! Thank you, again, for your consideration.
Otherwise, I’ll see you at Grandma’s for Hanukkah.